Going back to school and school in general

   Today I thought I would do a post on bullying only unfortunately it's a post I take very seriously and need more time to write and today it seems is not that day. I have been laying about and resting as I have a bit of cold coming on and I have been on a binge of non-gluten related products that doesn't seem to agree with me(being the only one in the house eating gluten free sometimes it isn't easy).

First off let me discuss school in general.
Yes I attended a normal public school and was in a normal public school classroom. I was not in a special education classroom.

 In Canada specifically the province I live in the process of inclusion and the elimination of special needs classrooms and separation of child with disabilities is a common goal. 

When I first started school in around 1994ish this was the over all concept disabled children were in the same classroom as everybody else.  Mostly because the majority of children were not to be diagnosed in till they were 8 years old. Missing those critical early years. Early intervention was not a priority  and as much as inclusion was now the norm the attitudes and education had not yet been provided. So there were many, many pitfalls to the system at the time.

I can remember teachers being maybe one of my biggest bullies and tormentors. Essentially only because they lacked the training to deal and teach a child with different needs. They had never been expected to before because students had been separated in the past and success for disabled children at that time period was not an expected outcome.
It was rough needless to say and a constant fight.

I also did not have a IEP except for one year.

A IEP is a independent education program. It is different and tailored to fit the needs of the child. So if I had a grade 2 reading level I would complete work at the appropriate level and also if I had behavioral issues it would be addressed how they would be dealt with. It meant I did not complete the same math work as everyone else though I would like to get a hold of that IEP now and see it (Though I am 21 now so not sure how it could be helpful now).

This was also the worst year of school for me. This teacher I swear never read my file and treated me in a way that made me feel so stupid even to this day. YOU do not forget stuff like that. By the time I was in grade 3 I was reading above grade level and struggled only with grammatical structure in writing and math. This teacher refused to allow me to read above a level of books you would give a kid in grade 1. I HATED IT. She also kept me in a lunch and would yell at me. At the time I did NOT understand that I hadn't done anything wrong and that I should have said something to an adult. But like any kid I did not know I hadn't done anything wrong she was an adult so what she had to say had to be true.

This is just a small snippet to try and give everyone insight on what going through the school system was like BACK when I went through it.
Grades 4 through 5 went well.
Then came junior high.
All supports disappeared.


This seems like a good time to explain what supports I had during elementary so from grade primary(kindergarten)-to grade 5.

I had what is called resource support from about the end of grade 1ish to 5th grade. Resource support meant I was removed from the classroom for a certain amount of time a week to help me stay on par with my peers and work on any needed skills I needed working on. I loved my resource teacher! I had her all the way up in till grade 5 when things took a turn for the worse.

She was not my resource teacher instead a previous teacher I had in grade 1 that I had hated, because she had isolated me from  my peers because I did not complete work in a group setting, and just over all didn't have a great attitude. This was actually the beginning of string of a loss of any support.

On top of resource support I required accommodations I could complete the work of my peers sometimes things just needed to be different to do so, quiet testing areas, work extensions, visual layouts etc.

Most of these weren't big deals. but the majority of teachers put up such a stink about it.

Anyway on to junior high. I received no services from about grades 6-8 it was hell. The majority of my accommodations ignored I did the worst I ever did yet some how passed. This was also the worst time fighting for accommodations teachers were still at the point where they were not educated on working with disabled students. In fact I'm not even sure what the heck was going on with that school?

Not the point.

What I really want to talk about is high school grades 9-12.
These were the best years of my school life. These years were filled with people and teachers who were AMAZING in shaping me and allowing me to develop my own skill sets.

I never had a teacher fight my accommodations ever. I thrived. I owe so much to that resource team for being so patient with me and ALLOWING me to become independent and find what works for me. I actually spent a lot of time down there. they were a family and I could pretty much come and go as I pleased.

I was actually the first in our school to be allowed to use a laptop in classes. My parents bought it for me in about grade 11 and it became a gateway into the world of technology.
I was also one of the first people in the province to type my provincial exam. Technology made expressing my life easier.

I graduated in 2009 with my peers, with a high school certificate equivalent and the same as them. With 4 year honors. A $8000 scholarship. and I was on top of the world. It felt like a big "Look what I did all you people who made my life miserable and treated me like I couldn't succeed". I was thrilled. I had the MOST perfect prom dress. the most perfect graduation. I still am proud of that accomplishment. Why shouldn't I be.
I feel as though I have not conveyed intensely enough what a fight it was to get to that point.

I did do two years of university.
Unfortunately due to several factors I did not succeed/thrive as I should have. Mostly based on a student help center that was supposed to be one of the best in Canada. Their attitude. Was not to ask me what I needed and what worked for me bu to tell me how it was going to be. I stopped going.  I also did not do well with dorm life.
I won't go into much detail because even though that experience cost me a good chunk of cash I did learn a lot of things. Mostly what I did not want to be.

So in 2011 I entered community college and took a teachers assistant course.
This experience wasn't exactly fun either but it wasn't so horrific as to never want to talk about it again. Years of distrust formed by teachers and a crappy experience at my last post secondary made me braced for more "You know nothing attitude".

The program was a year long and if it weren't for the friends I made in the course I think I would have quit. I LOVE being a teachers assistant I THRIVE off of working with children and I am at ease. The course bored me though as the text book work and I probably didn't put in as much effort as I could have I know this. The supports were okay... I passed end of story. They didn't really have a resource center where I could go and hang out and work. Which made for a very hard year.

And then I swore I was done. I graduated in 2012. I WAS D-O-N-E. Well that is what I said but I knew I wasn't.
My passion is leading me back to school hopefully in September.
This time I will be living at home while going back which means I imagine my mother and I will clash as I remind her I am 21 and she needs to remember this.

But while most girls hit up pinterest to look at cute outfits. I'm trying to figure out where in rural-middle-of-nowhere am I going to find a psychiatrist, specialists, and anything else I need to get sorted for September.

I'm tracking down assessments I'm mourning the fact that a pair of cute new shoes isn't at the top of my back to school list. I'm trying to hide the fear I won't be picked on because I am disabled, I AM worried they won't see my passion. I'm worried I'll be faced with shoddy student resource options again.

Going back to school isn't so simple for me.

BUT this is what I want the world to understand.

I can do anything you can do. I just need to take a different path and it may take me longer. I may not look as good and smart on paper, but I AM smart and I am able. Don't treat me otherwise. Do not discount my experiences because they are important and provide insight. Treat me like a person.

So as I sit here going through my resume and preparing it, trying to write a letter about "why" I think could succeed at this I'm trying to imagine I am that girl who has no other worries then cute back to school outfits and making new friends while remembering I have value and that I am strong enough to do this. I think I forget that way to much.

Yours,
Jess the brave

No new foods please!

It is way to early to try new foods. More on the "please no new foods" issue latter.

Once Upon a time

Once Upon a time I was born....

July 20th 1991 at 3:20pm I was born into this world, three weeks early, breech and deprived of oxygen. I lived. I didn't seem to be brain damaged or a vegetable, and I grew.

Things seemed pretty normal I talked, walked and hit my milestones. But then around the age this next picture was taken...

At age 3 1/2 I had unexplained grand mal seizures. To this day despite spinal taps and tests they cannot explain them they have not repeated but the risk is always still there. It resulted into some nerve damage.

Around 4 my mother began to realize I am was definitely not a neurotypical kid 

I was vastly different from my peers.

In fact I was definitely neurodiverse

  

(http://www.danda.org.uk/pages/neuro-diversity.php)

Then came school (my first day of school ever pictured below)

But by the time I entered school at age 5 my parents knew for sure I was DIFFERENT. I did not learn like my peers, I did not have friends my own age nor seem to have a lot in common with others, I was picked on.

But I also was creative, inventive, a talker, imaginative, with definite likes and dislikes. I only would eat certain foods(To this day I am still the same way with food), and my attention span seemed only destined for the things I loved (books). I was far from stupid. But....

I was still bullied often for my uniqueness and not receiving the same amount of math sheets as the other children. I was singled out and often alone. and over all I can remember being sad. I think that sadness of being different still is with me now as an adult even though I am embracing my differences and learning to love me. 

Said: Diagnosis now at age 5 will not be any help to you, so no services, no early intervention we will leave you in till you are almost 7.

I missed a lot of school between those times twice for pneumonia, every little bug that went around I would get, it was as though I had no immune system. I also had severe asthma to the point inhalers did not work plenty of Er trips. I also lost my hearing in mostly my right ear late primary and on my way through grade 1. I have awful memories of grade one being forced out into the hall way because I did not complete work on time to me it was punishment, all I wanted to do was read and the material was often boring to me. I did reverse letters and had a few speech issues but once I had ear tubes put in it was no longer an issue as the fluid in my ears could now drain. In grade 2 I was out sick several times but missed a total of 6 weeks due to whooping cough this was also a big year.

 They diagnosed me with ADHD inattentive type, dyslexia and a co-ordination disorder. 

Both now to this day I question this questioning is what this blog is going to be about. 1) I was bored 2) I used to sneak books to read to curb that boredom 3) I was not interested in the same activities as my peers 4) I was an incredibly sensitive kid.

Now at 21 I am learning they may have not gotten my diagnosis 100% right.

and so they put me on this:

At 7 years old I began Ritalin therapy. When I asked my mom about it she said she had no choice I was simply not doing anything in school. This picture should terrify everyone as much as it does me. I have been on this drug for 15 years in total in one shape or form. Jess and Ritalin will be a whole blog post because this is such a big thing for me. 

And they began therapy. If you can think of it chances are I have been through it. Down my social behavior, down to the way I am to do things, my body and mind was programmed so I could be "Normal". Girls with disabilities weren't meant to amount to much in those days so my life became a hell of teachers just not caring. I was never supposed to do this:

Graduate High School with 4 year honors, a $8000 dollar scholarship and a university acceptance. I did switch after two years of university to a community college to pursue my passion and love for something else.

Or this in 2012 I graduated from college.

So I did a whole lot of things I wasn't supposed to do. And it was hard.

because of this:

Children are effected to. Now to this day I can say I'm pretty sure that mental illness has always been present in my life and that the lack of diagnosis and the misdiagnosis has brought me to this final point.

This blog is about discovery me, the uncover of answers, and the journey through change. 

I am not anything special I am just Jess who is forging ahead in a world where I have to be Brave enough to love myself and face the things that may or may not make me tick.

Welcome and hang on sometimes my brain can be a bit hard to follow,

A Brave Jess